You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
