I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
