i just sent this text using only my big toe
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
