It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize