There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
