Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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