I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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