i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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