I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
