Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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