i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize