I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
