it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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