Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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