Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize