Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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