I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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