just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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