my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
