If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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