they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
