You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
