I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
