Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
nutella sex= disaster
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
