That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
