The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
