im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
