Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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