I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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