Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
