The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
