Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
