there was a trapeze. enough said
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
