its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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