No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
