I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
