yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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