I wish my penis had an off switch
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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