I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
