im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
