i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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