His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
