so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
