There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
