kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
