Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
