see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
