Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
