I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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