i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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