If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
