I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
no you cant smoke seaweed
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
