He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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