Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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