Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
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