theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
