even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
