Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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