So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
