I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
