i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The best revenge is premature balding
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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