You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize