I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
