Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
