i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
that's an acceptable place to lick
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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