i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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